At least I have never

you naughty necrophiliac you (in three sordid acts)

2008-04-16T04:49:00.000-07:00

Act 1
At least I've never gone to Inquisition, and met a hot guy (or so I thought at the time) on the dance floor whom I thought my age (26 at the time). We pash for, I don't know, 30 seconds, five minutes, half an hour - when you're that off your chops it's easy to slip into a worm hole, or a K hole, or a myriad of other holes, and time means shit. (Earlier in the night I enjoyed a group of men walk past, all without heads. The heads levitated about ten metres behind following the men. I also saw the devil on the dance floor, and at one point every one was covered in head-to-toe tattoos.) Anyway, because of this, that and the other, Hot Man and I have to separate but we make arrangements to meet at his house at 8am, quite far away but who cares, he's worth the cab ride. Until 8am, when somewhat more with it, I stand at his door, and he's quite possibly twice my age, or at least in his late forties. Despite whatever he might think, the bong in the living room doesn't make him appear any more youthful. He offers, I decline, and somehow we end up in the bedroom. The passion of only a few hours before is all but gone - in me but not him, unfortunately. He's very much up for it; ten inches up at least, in fact. He's not a foreplay kind of guy, either. It's just that if I only wanted a thick, long vessel up my arse, I'd go with a cucumber and be done without the small talk, quite frankly. Citing headache, I suggest a nap before getting down to business. And the wait begins. Half an hour later he's finally asleep and I manage to crawl from behind him in bed, gather my clothes and get into the stairway, completely starkers. I accidentally bang his door and bolt. Of course I gave him my number, I'm not that smart. After a month the unanswered phone calls finally cease. At least I've never done that.

Act 2
At least I've never almost fallen off an elliptical runner when my personal trainer, whom I accidentally had sex with six or so times, tells me his age and it starts with a five. At least I've never done that.

Act 3
At least I've never googled the oldest person I ever slept with, when I was 19, and the man was, I don't know, mid-fifties, early sixties? I was horny, and omnivorous, at the time. Now, some 14 years later, at work, I cannot believe what appears before my eyes. I'm generally a quiet type of person, but I snort-laugh when I see this:

[photo deleted to protect the near-dead. or the recently passed, as it seemed... if you missed it, tough shit.]

And unfortunately I have no doubt I have hit the jackpot here, despite the passage of time. Or because of it, whichever the case may be.

At least I've never done that. Ok, yeah I did, acts 1 & 3, with 2 coming courtesy of my partner-in-drinking-crimes, N. Who actually has featured here once before, too. August 7, 2007, to be exact.

Community shervices... We'll have that down pat when the time comes.

shark bait

2008-03-16T03:03:00.000-07:00

At least I've never worn a white swimming costume to the beach at that time of the month. On the bright side, now we know that water-logged tampons work much less well than one would hope.

man in the mirror

2008-02-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

(This is old but belongs here.)
At least I've never tried to flog some furniture on eBay, and inadvertently revealed my penchant for nudism at home. Or was I multi-tasking, getting photos for eBay and dudesnude at the same time? Whatever, I am now everywhere on the net.

At least I've never done that. Naked photos of me in the mirror on the other hand, sans furniture...

christmas minge

2008-01-25T00:32:00.000-08:00

At least I have never gone to the staff Christmas party, and spent the first part of the day like a true closet alcoholic, loudly commenting on how little I drink in general and especially today. By the time I'm reasonably plastered, this has changed to quiet questions to my colleagues as to whether they think I'm too drunk or not. Fully aware of my reputation as a sponge and a bit of a party girl from way back, they keep telling me, "No, not at all; have another drink." I do not disappoint.

Later, I proceed to show my undergarments to any conscious male at the bar we are now at, hoping to arouse interest, and raise more. I seem to have forgotten that I have a boyfriend of four years patiently waiting for me at his place - never mind that three short weeks later I will trade him for the one I've been having an affair with for a while now. When all my attempts to attract ANY male attention fail - the only things raised are eyebrows - I turn to my own sex, and much closer to home, in the form of a female colleague. "X, please come and sleep with me. Please, you have to sleep with me tonight. Please... I NEED to sleep with you." [ed. note: I couldn't be bothered with trying to type in manner of severe slurring. Imagine Judy Garland, pickled in vodka for a week after multiple tooth removal, and you get close.] This attempt, in full view of all remaining staff, also fails and my colleagues, feeling awkward and uncomfortable, have great trouble packing me into a taxi.

Come January, it's fairly clear I have no recollection of the events at all. Luckily for you, dear reader, every other staff member does.

At least I've never done that. And I wish I'd gone to the staff Christmas party after all.

sloppy birthday to you

2008-01-11T18:23:00.002-08:00

At least I have never attended the 30th birthday of an old high school mate. [In order for you to understand the full story, it must be stated that my friend and I went to an all-boys school.] The celebrations must have got somewhat raucous as at one point I end in an impromptu birthday present performance for the birthday boy, also known as fellatio. Because what's to stop a nice boy giving another a fantastic blow job?

Well, there is the birthday boy's girlfriend, for one. Her partner's openness to same-sex sex acts comes as a shock as she walks in on us, but rather than ditch him, she merely bans him from ever seeing me again. Which we presume to mean that he now gets his cock sucked by other boys. Then there is my boyfriend, fast asleep in another room. We split up not long after.

At least I've never done that, but I do feel somewhat left out, as the friend who did, attended many of my birthdays in my single days and he merely bought me a drink instead.

criminal idiots, part 5478

2008-01-08T11:33:00.000-08:00

I just love plans that haven't been thought through beyond the first step.

unwell

2008-01-06T13:36:00.000-08:00

Although slim(y) at the moment, this actually is one of my great fears in life. To be known for nothing else but the fact I could not heave myself off the floor.

britney

2008-01-05T12:11:00.000-08:00

May I take this moment to pay some respect to the fairy godmother of this blog, Britney Spears. The past 12+ months of her multi-car pile-up of a life have read like an endless list of posts from here. Ok, I've shaved my head under the influence, too, but the rest is beginning to be heart-breaking. The woman clearly needs help with her mental health, and those closest to her are clearly failing to see that - why is it that she's constantly seen driving around LA? Anyway, I genuinely hope help comes her way, because the alternative could be tragic.

Postscript: It's Dr Phil to the rescue. Oh my.

'i'll just QUICKLY check the cellar'

2008-01-03T15:18:00.001-08:00

This is doing the rounds on Facebook. I want to laugh, but before I do, I'd love to know if she actually survived. Looks painful.

[Edited to add: You'll have to click on the image for the GIF to work, at least on my computer.]

the one with the cursed garden gnome

2007-10-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

At least I have never used a garden gnome to break a window to burgle a house. Things go awry when I slip, slash my throat on the broken window and bleed to death in the driveway while the homeowner tries to save me. At least I've never done that. But I sit here in fear that one day I will somehow end up getting a Darwin Award.

reactions and overreactions

2007-08-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

At least I've never done this, nor been on the receiving end.

The one where its good to be early ...

2007-08-18T08:10:00.000-07:00

And so ... at least I have never been planning to visit my friend in Edinburgh for one last shindig before she moves back South of the border. The week long booze-a-thon has been meticulously planned for months on end with tickets pre-booked for the fringe festival, with the first show booked for that very first evening.

We whip ourselves up into a frenzy of excitement, and I text her regular updates as I begin the long journey to the airport. I arrive at the airport and sashay over to the check in desk and so begins the long debate with the check in clerk as they cannot find any record of my ticket reservation or even in fact of my flight.

The reason? My flight does not leave until tomorrow and I am in fact a whole 24 hours early. I then sheepishly call best friend on my mobile to explain.

At least I have never done that ... but I was on the other end of that phonecall. Sweetheart, sometimes you still amaze me;)

at last he'd had enough

2007-08-07T03:10:00.000-07:00

At least I have never got one too many messages from 'friends' (=old highschool class mates whose names I wouldn't remember did they not show up on the screen) on Facebook begging me to look at their smarmy engagement/ wedding/ honeymoon/ baby photos, with 'finally, the last couple marries' or something to the same smug effect to accompany the photos - and I, the recipient, am very much single. This has gone on for the entire week that I've been on Facebook, and I snap.

I forward the syrupy message to another single friend, asking her to take bets with me as to which of the three couples will divorce first. More importantly, I make sure that all six people in those three couples also receive the message, as if by accident (the 'reply all' syndrome - we've all done it once).

At least I've never done that. But I admire the person that did.

it's much more obvious as a solo artist

2007-07-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

I posted this at my place to begin with, but of course it belongs here. Except I can't say 'At least I've never tumbled down a flight of stairs in heels' because I did, in late 1993. Matters weren't helped by discovering that the person at the bottom of the stairs of this nightclub was an ex from a painful break-up six months earlier.

My thoughts are with you, B. Sucked in!

not couture

2007-07-16T23:58:00.001-07:00

At least I have never been the buyer for a chain of luxury designer clothing stores, stocking the best labels in the world. Despite my repulsive, virulent personality, I've managed to wrangle my way into this position, and even prospered in the job. After a couple of really good years and continued support and approval from the owner, my confidence regarding my buying abilities builds to the point where during one buying trip I lose all common sense and perspective, not to mention track of actual figures. By the end of my rampage, I've committed the company, amongst other things, to dozens of pairs of 'sandals' that in actual fact look like the mongrel offspring of a diaper and a Japanese geta sandal, and make the wearer look absolutely bonkers. I mean, only Bjork could get away with these things, and only if she was wearing a crochet toilet roll cover as a hat. All in all, I've managed to go $900.000 over budget. I lose my job and for the next year I'm only able to secure miscellaneous freelance work.

At least I have never done that. But all this has made me believe in karma.

saucy pics

2007-07-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

At least i have never got into a sexy bit of text sex at work with an on/off lover (not from same work) - which goes on and on until the point where on/off lover challenges me to send him a pic of my, ahem, lady garden, within the next half an hour. Cue me, a very senior manager, in the only ladies cubicle in the entire organisation, pencil skirt down, silk blouse up, trying desperately to take a photo of said minge that's flattering and doesn't reveal that I am really overdue for a wax. With my colleagues politely approaching the locked door at all times with little 'um... just wondered what you want to do about Important Deal X and whether you need to speak to Mr Y in Japan before he leaves for the day?' type requests. And me all the while, trying to be oh-so-busy-and-important, but really only focused on taking a good pic of - myself.

At least I've never done that. But I love the person who did.

the virgin sacrifice

2007-06-23T17:11:00.000-07:00

At least I've never been a single mum in my late thirties, with a 15-year-old son. We live in a small rural town, and so, because I'm a good mother with high hopes for my son, I send him away to a bigger town with a better school. My son goes to live with a friend of mine, also a woman in her late thirties. My hopes and dreams for my son are crushed when my friend proceeds to have an affair with him, and eventually falls pregnant. She has just had the baby, and the father has just turned 17.

At least I have never done that. And if I ever face the situation, I will be very wary of friends looking to deflower my offspring.

a sticky finger (not to mention filthy)

2007-06-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

At least I've never left the pub so drunk that I didn't notice one of my fingers was missing (although this has more to do with me not losing a finger to date than anything else...) until well on my way home. To add to the humiliation, the hospital had to ring the pub, where staff found the missing digit in the toilet. At the time of writing, the finger is waiting to be reattached. Bleurggh.

At least I've never done that. On the other hand...

Anyway, full story may be found here. If I'd been the pub staff member to find it, I would have flushed it.

language barriers

2007-05-21T01:13:00.000-07:00

At least I've never confused the name of the town I'm staying at overseas with the word 'cunt' in that country's native tongue, and on the same day confused my forehead with my foreskin. At least I've never done that, but my poor confused country boyfriend in the not-so-big smoke of rural Finland did yesterday.

The one where you are a credit to your company

2007-05-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

At least I have never gone to a business awards dinner dressed as an escort/wag wannabe with skin painted the colour of creosote ... got so hideously drunk that when the nominees were announced I screamed like a banshee when my company's name was mentionned but loudly boo-ed every other nominee ... burst into tears when we lost ... had to be consoled by two colleagues whilst screeching incoherently about the unfairness of it all ... repeatedly stole the pink champagne that the other half of the table had bought with an ungrateful 'seeing as you fackers won I'm sure you wont mind sharing the champagne' ... had my dress slip further to the side throughout the night so that it was inevitably only a matter of time before my boob fell out ... fell over and took a chair with me so that it crashed into the neighbouring table ... plonked myself upon a random man's lap until he was forced to snog me ... and was last seen lurching towards the toilets.

At least I have never done that ... but I did mind 'sharing' my pink champagne.

Oops I did it again ...

2007-05-01T15:07:00.000-07:00

Chavvy mother has teen daughter.

Teen daughter has first boyfriend and falls in love.

Mother shags daughter's boyfriend behind daughter's back ... for seven months.

Daughter finds out ... tears and heartbreak ... mum and daughter both break up with daughter's boyfriend.

Eventually daughter gets new boyfriend. Mother shags daughter's new boyfriend.

Tears and heartbreak.

Mother then shags daughter's first exboyfriend again.

Think its safe to say someone wont be getting a mothers day card next year *ahem*.

Busted

2007-04-02T05:39:00.000-07:00

At least I have never gone to Stringfellows with some work mates and got absolutely slaughtered. At the end of the night there's an 'auction' and the highest bidder gets to take one of the lapdancers home for the night (classy). I have taken quite a shine to one particular dancer and so decide to tell her, in mindblowingly graphic detail, exactly what I intend to do with her when I win the auction and book the pair of us into a hotel for the night. Unfortunately my phone is in my pocket and the keyboard isn't locked... so I am leaving my drunken letchery on the family ansaphone. I only discover this when I lose the auction and get home to find my car smashed in with a hammer and my clothes all over the front garden.

Serves you right, mate.

I can't even begin to summarise this

2007-03-14T08:16:00.000-07:00

I love this guy

at least i have never tried to crap on my girlfriend's parents' heads

2007-02-16T03:48:00.000-08:00

At least I have never... gone to a party with my (then) girlfriend where we both get really rather mashed up. Then we go back to her parents house to sleep as it's nearby and they knew me quite well anyway.

But... I wake up in the wee hours desparate for the toilet. Slightly confused, I head for what looks like a bathroom but is in fact just a shower room - no WC within. My girlfriend wakes up to find me squatting over the bathroom scales. She tries to gently convince me that I'm not actually anywhere near the toilet but I'm not having it. Eventually she manages to lead me out of the shower room towards the toilet, passing the (open) door to her parents bedroom, where they are both sleeping, en route. At that point I decide that their room must be the toilet and try to push past her, all 6ft 4 and 16 stone of me. Girlfriend is hanging on to the doorframe with her fingernails trying not to let me past. Eventually she manages to throw me down the corridor into the bathroom which actually does have a toilet... where I immediately lock the door and take a shit in the kitty litter on the floor.

God, I've dated some idiots in my time.

car wash

2007-02-05T08:25:00.000-08:00

(I have a life long phobia of car washes. This story made me weep)

At least I have never...

Been about to go through the carwash having pressed the button etc, when suddenly I remember that I've forgotten to remove the aerial. Thinking I've got time, I jump out to remove the offending erection... only for the giant rollers to start whirring, pinning me flat against my car in a mire of foam and water as they pound their way down the sides of the car.

And then had to go on to my parents house, soaking wet and picking bubbles out of my hair along the way.

The one where you realise your memory is not as bad as you fear

2007-01-04T12:40:00.000-08:00

At least I have never forgot my three year old child and left them in a hotel in Aberdeen ... for facks sake people if you can't remember you have a child, try to remember to use a condom. Jesus wept.

The one that slightly scared me

2007-01-01T10:23:00.000-08:00

At least I have never slept with a guy because I felt sorry for him when he told me, holding back the tears, that he used to be a mercenary. End of.

at least I have never gone to a work Christmas do...

2006-12-18T07:15:00.000-08:00

... got monumentally drunk and fallen asleep on a railway line on the way home . Priceless.

(although I did once get very friendly with a colleague who I then had to fire shortly afterwards. Not one of my finest moments)

At least I have never...

2006-12-07T06:46:00.000-08:00

Accompanied my dad (who is very senior in his company) to a work dinner with his very senior colleagues and a new client who has flown from overseas just to meet my dad. Had rather more wine than I ought and then decided that new client is in fact, rather attractive. So proceeded to play footsie with him under the table, in a very rigorous manner, for a very long time. And been completely ignored by new client who is in fact married. Dad never did find out why new client suddenly took his business elsewhere.

this story was actually told to me by the new client.

At least I have never... pulled a hideous man who tried to get into bed with my flatmate after we'd had sex and then stole her iPod on the way out

2006-12-06T02:17:00.000-08:00

I don't have the strength to revisit this sorry tale. But you can find it here

I've been a victim of my own schadenfreude.

(oh - check the brilliant comment from Silverfox, proving that it really is never too late to change your mind about someone!)

at least I have never... discovered that my parents are into S&M

2006-11-27T06:32:00.000-08:00

At least I have never agreed to go with some friends, just for a laugh, to the Torture Garden, a well known S&M club in London. After a few drinks at mine for dutch courage, off we head in our finest PVC. Upon arrival we spend about half an hour in awe of the various outfits and carryings-on already in full flow. Then we spot a woman dressed head to toe in dominatrix gear, with a man dressed as a gimp on a lead, walking in front of her on all fours and being whipped. The couple look strangely familiar. And then suddenly my stomach drops about 50 feet as I realise that they are in fact my parents. I flee the club and never speak of it, but to this day cannot look them in the eye.

at least I have never done that. but i do know someone who has :(

at least I have never been the office Cinderella...

2006-11-16T07:19:00.000-08:00

... and not made it to the ball (this is actually a rather sad At Least I have Never)

A friend of mine spent the best part of a year setting up a new initiative at work. It was a very worthwhile cause, basically providing support for people who are being bullied/victimised. It involved a lot of work and hours of essentially counselling very distressed people who rang up wanting to share their stories and asking for help.

And then - excitement! The initiative was nominated for an award and the boss said the company would get a table at the glitzy awards ceremony. After all that work, and all that emotion, my friend thought it was a well deserved treat. So she patiently awaited an email giving details about the night.

She waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The email never came. On the day of the ceremony, the rest of her office dusted down their tuxedos and little black dresses and disappeared en masse to the awards ceremony without her.

The next day, when she came in, there was a mini bottle of cheap champagne on her desk from the depths of a colleague's goody bag.

Bastards. At least I've never had that.

at least I have never... been a psycho girlfriend

2006-11-13T04:08:00.000-08:00

At least I have never gone out with a boy and proceeded to mess with his head in every way known to man, including:
- being absolutely vile to his two female flatmates from the moment they were introduced to me and accusing him of having household threesomes at every opportunity
- having one pregnancy scare and one STD scare (both completely fictitious) in the first three months of the relationship
- smashing my boyfriend's flatmate's cafetiere and laughing when it was suggested that it be replaced
- breaking my boyfriend's flat powershower by not being quite as thin and agile as believed by self
- applying for boyfriend's flatmate's exec PR job when it was re-advertised after becoming a permanent post. Then posting said flatmate a job application form for the position of part-time cleaner in local hospital, with a note advising that, as I am obvously going to steal the PR job, she may as well have a go at applying for this one instead
- going through my boyfriend's email distribution list, picking out the name of his ex-girlfriend and sending her an email crowing about how brilliant our new relationship is. Then asking whether there is any way me and the ex can work together professionally.
- turning up on the doorstep at 2am after being dumped and refusing to go home.

Thank God she didn't last.

Shame of the Handbag

2006-11-09T11:50:00.000-08:00

At least I have never ... been out a-boozing with my beloved urban family and got so unbelievably god awful drunk, that the last thing I actually remember is ranting to my friend and fit-friend-of-a-friend that the girl who they both fancied (and who had been present for most of the night but had thankfully left at that point ... I think) was a scheming slut and in Kat Slater style announced 'She'll break your bleedin' 'earts' (which for some reason has now endeared me to fit-friend-of-a-friend, who thinks I have 'great insight' ... the fool).

I then left the swanky bar propped up on either side by two buddies, quite frankly facked but giggling madly and still capable of walking ... not so when I hit the cold air outside. I then repeatedly fell down, whilst Zuzu was put in charge of my handbag, and we were then all bundled into a cab. I vaguely recall the taxi driver enquiring whether I was alright ie was I about to vom in his cab because there is an extra charge for that you know. I think I passed out at that stage.

We eventually arrived chez nous and I was hauled out of the cab by my best male buddy who propped me up against the garden wall whilst he tried to open the front door. My repeated drunken sqwackings as to 'Where's my handbag? Where's my handbag?' must have irritated him at this point as he shouted at me to stop worrying about my bloody handbag as Zuzu had it. I then burst into tears because my best male buddy hated me and had shouted at me.

Somehow we made it to our top floor flat and I was sprawled on the sofa whilst Zuzu tried to help me take off my Johnny Wows (read rip off Jimmy Choo) boots. Zuzu huffed and she puffed and she pulled me off the sofa ... because she was too twatted to notice my boots were lace ups and I was too far gone to tell her. We both found this hysterical. Eventually I made it to my bedroom where I threw the (empty I hasten to add) impromptu sick bowl (ie washing up bowl) that Zuzu had kindly deposited by my bed into the hallway because apparently I wasn't that drunk thank you very much.

There is a hazy memory that I may have tried to get out of bed and fallen, headbutting my bedside table and blooding my nose. I remember nothing more until the next morning. When I woke up starkers as a starfish on my duvet cover ... and completely mortified that I may have stripped off naked in front of my two best friends. The full complexity of the saga took a full two days to be unravelled from my amnesiac memory. For shame.

At least I have never done that ... oh ... my bad:(

bad judgement call

2006-11-09T02:56:00.000-08:00

At least I have never...

Gone abroad on a work trip and met someone who, for some reason, I find masterfully attractive. After dinner, a few drinks and a lingering kiss goodnight, said man offers to give me a lift to the airport the next day. He turns up in a convertible red sports car and I am smitten. We agree to stay in touch, and after a couple of weeks of saucy emails he says he's coming to London.

When we meet on home turf the slow realisation dawns that I must have had a bit too much sun during our previous encounter. He turns up in designated trendy soho bar looking like an overseas student, complete with rucksack (rucksack!). I then discover that he doesn't really drink (another thing I clearly failed to noticed as I quaffed my way merrily through wine on expenses before). But after a bit of dutch courage on my part I decide that maybe he's not that bad. He is staying in London with friends and somehow I agree that he can stay with me the following night.

The next day I get an email from a heavily pregnant friend who is also coming to London for work and desperately needs somewhere to crash. My protests about having a hot date fall on hormonally-induced deaf ears. She is coming along for the ride whether I like it or not. So to make up the numbers I beg my best friend, who is battling with flu, to come as well.

We choose a local Thai restaurant. Entire evening soon disintigrates into farce. Date gets very drunk on two glasses of wine and makes cringeably inappropriate comments about the Thai waitresses. We leave before we are evicted. Back at mine, heavily pregnant friend makes herself at home on the sofa bed in the lounge, so I have no choice but to have Date in with me.

After some preliminary snogging (well, he is in my bed, after all), things start to get a little heated, only he won't let me touch him 'down there' because he's 'ticklish'. Odd, I think. So I give him a condom, he lunges on top of me and before I even realise anything is happening, he starts saying 'yeah... oh my god... yeah.'
'no... really?' i say in disbelief.
'yeah,' he says.
It's all over in less than 30 seconds.

Next thing I know he's in the en suite bathroom running water through the condom to make sure there aren't any holes in it (who does that?!)

Finally, he falls asleep. Only at this point the Thai gets its revenge. I lay awake, praying for dawn.

I am at my desk at work by 7am the next day.

Anything to get away.

At least I've never experienced that.

Oh bollocks.

The one with the briefcase

2006-11-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

At least I have never ...

... worked in a company where business lunches involved a phenomenal amount of drinking on a regular basis and at one of these lunches got so ridiculously pissed that I was slurring and having difficulties walking ... and then had to go to a very important meeting with a client. Managed to hail a cab and then realised that the motion of the car was having a rather negative effect and making me feel so nauseous that I (drunkenly) thought the only solution was to vomit copiously into my briefcase ... turned up at the meeting rather bedraggled and sat there throughout the entire hour long meeting without being able to retrive the agenda, meeting notes or even a pen from my sick sodden briefcase ... yet was oh so aware of the pungent smell of vomit eminating from my briefcase around the entire room.

At least I have never done that ... and hopefully I never shall. The woman in question no longer works at that company and has in fact completely changed her lifestyle and now resides in the remote countryside. Its probably for the best;)

The one that left me in awe

2006-11-07T14:02:00.000-08:00

At least I have never ...

... gone out drinking with work to celebrate the end of a group project, snogged my much-hated boss in front of the whole company, shagged another colleague, woken up the next day and called my fiancee to tell her that I have sold her ticket to the music festival that day, gone to the festival on my own, bumped into two work colleagues on the bus and told them all about my exploits from the night before and about my raging drug habits (oh yeh, one of them works in Personnel), nearly got thrown off the bus for disruptive behaviour, got into the festival, had a major freakout due to the vast quantities of narcotics consumed, got thrown out of the festival, got taken by ambulance to the nearest A and E, discharged myself from hospital and took a £100 cab ride back to my home, yet still make it into work that Monday.

I have never done that ... but I know someone that did. Name witheld to protect the guilty.

it's a small world

2006-11-07T07:15:00.000-08:00

At least I have never...

Met a really nice chap at my mother's Christmas party and arranged to go for dinner with him the following night. During the day I have a pre-booked smear test thanks to prolonged nagging by my mother, who's a nurse. She has made the appointment for me, at her clinic, and assured me that a female nurse (not her) will do the deed.

So off I trot, and when my name is called I walk into the cubicle to find... my hot date waiting for me. Cue much flustered embarrassment. There must be some mistake... this can't be happening... but no. Due to staff sickness there are only two nurses on duty. My mum and Hot Date. Hot Date says gently that if I turn him down his professionalism will be called into question by his bosses.

Leaving me, legs in stirrups, Hot Date, ahem, down there, making small talk by asking me where I fancy meeting later.

Needless to say, the lady whose story this is, didn't make the date.

The original

2006-11-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

The gloriousity of 'at least I have never' began a few years ago when the delightful Zuzu and I were on a big night out and ended up in a swanky bar with some friends of a friend. One of whom was a girl obviously the worse for wear despite it being very early in the evening and, well I'll let the story explain itself ...

At least I have never ... thrown up through my nose ... into my lap ... in front of my exboyfriend ... and all of his work colleagues ... in the vip room of an exclusive bar.

I have done many things but at least I have never done that.

Raison d'etre

2006-11-05T11:15:00.000-08:00

We have all experienced those moments of crippling embarrassment as we emerge from the boozy haze of the night before ... and watch with steadily increasing horror as our memory slowly unfurls an embarrassing nightmare of shame.

We feel as if our pride and reputation will never recover. We feel that we cannot face our friends. Quite frankly we feel as if we will never leave the sanctuary of the duvet again (unless that is your 'at least I have never moment' is lying next to you ...).

In fact, often the only way to recover is to have a moment of schadenfreude and to realise that no matter what you have done, someone out there has always done something worse. And you know what honey, at least I have never ...