bad judgement call
At least I have never...
Gone abroad on a work trip and met someone who, for some reason, I find masterfully attractive. After dinner, a few drinks and a lingering kiss goodnight, said man offers to give me a lift to the airport the next day. He turns up in a convertible red sports car and I am smitten. We agree to stay in touch, and after a couple of weeks of saucy emails he says he's coming to London.
When we meet on home turf the slow realisation dawns that I must have had a bit too much sun during our previous encounter. He turns up in designated trendy soho bar looking like an overseas student, complete with rucksack (rucksack!). I then discover that he doesn't really drink (another thing I clearly failed to noticed as I quaffed my way merrily through wine on expenses before). But after a bit of dutch courage on my part I decide that maybe he's not that bad. He is staying in London with friends and somehow I agree that he can stay with me the following night.
The next day I get an email from a heavily pregnant friend who is also coming to London for work and desperately needs somewhere to crash. My protests about having a hot date fall on hormonally-induced deaf ears. She is coming along for the ride whether I like it or not. So to make up the numbers I beg my best friend, who is battling with flu, to come as well.
We choose a local Thai restaurant. Entire evening soon disintigrates into farce. Date gets very drunk on two glasses of wine and makes cringeably inappropriate comments about the Thai waitresses. We leave before we are evicted. Back at mine, heavily pregnant friend makes herself at home on the sofa bed in the lounge, so I have no choice but to have Date in with me.
After some preliminary snogging (well, he is in my bed, after all), things start to get a little heated, only he won't let me touch him 'down there' because he's 'ticklish'. Odd, I think. So I give him a condom, he lunges on top of me and before I even realise anything is happening, he starts saying 'yeah... oh my god... yeah.'
'no... really?' i say in disbelief.
'yeah,' he says.
It's all over in less than 30 seconds.
Next thing I know he's in the en suite bathroom running water through the condom to make sure there aren't any holes in it (who does that?!)
Finally, he falls asleep. Only at this point the Thai gets its revenge. I lay awake, praying for dawn.
I am at my desk at work by 7am the next day.
Anything to get away.
At least I've never experienced that.
Oh bollocks.
Gone abroad on a work trip and met someone who, for some reason, I find masterfully attractive. After dinner, a few drinks and a lingering kiss goodnight, said man offers to give me a lift to the airport the next day. He turns up in a convertible red sports car and I am smitten. We agree to stay in touch, and after a couple of weeks of saucy emails he says he's coming to London.
When we meet on home turf the slow realisation dawns that I must have had a bit too much sun during our previous encounter. He turns up in designated trendy soho bar looking like an overseas student, complete with rucksack (rucksack!). I then discover that he doesn't really drink (another thing I clearly failed to noticed as I quaffed my way merrily through wine on expenses before). But after a bit of dutch courage on my part I decide that maybe he's not that bad. He is staying in London with friends and somehow I agree that he can stay with me the following night.
The next day I get an email from a heavily pregnant friend who is also coming to London for work and desperately needs somewhere to crash. My protests about having a hot date fall on hormonally-induced deaf ears. She is coming along for the ride whether I like it or not. So to make up the numbers I beg my best friend, who is battling with flu, to come as well.
We choose a local Thai restaurant. Entire evening soon disintigrates into farce. Date gets very drunk on two glasses of wine and makes cringeably inappropriate comments about the Thai waitresses. We leave before we are evicted. Back at mine, heavily pregnant friend makes herself at home on the sofa bed in the lounge, so I have no choice but to have Date in with me.
After some preliminary snogging (well, he is in my bed, after all), things start to get a little heated, only he won't let me touch him 'down there' because he's 'ticklish'. Odd, I think. So I give him a condom, he lunges on top of me and before I even realise anything is happening, he starts saying 'yeah... oh my god... yeah.'
'no... really?' i say in disbelief.
'yeah,' he says.
It's all over in less than 30 seconds.
Next thing I know he's in the en suite bathroom running water through the condom to make sure there aren't any holes in it (who does that?!)
Finally, he falls asleep. Only at this point the Thai gets its revenge. I lay awake, praying for dawn.
I am at my desk at work by 7am the next day.
Anything to get away.
At least I've never experienced that.
Oh bollocks.
posted by zuzula @ 2:56 AM
8 Comments:
At 8:03 AM,
Revolving Credit said…
30 seconds?? Did he even get it in or did he just cum on your thigh?
..if it had ever happened, which it didn't to you.
At 8:14 AM,
zuzula said…
obviously it didn't happen to me... but if it had, i could honestly have said that i didn't know - i wouldn't have felt a thing!
At 9:00 AM,
Tiny Tones said…
At least I have never caught my first international flight, from Sydney to London, to find myself sitting next to the most attractive man I've ever met, to flirt outrageously the whole way with him, to work out he was as keen as I was, to then find out he was a Swiss multi-millionaire banker and the heir to one of the largest fortunes in Europe, to have him beg me to meet up with him that night in London, to be given his address and phone number, to then depart the plane and meet with a friend at the airport bar, to get absolutely blathered on every cocktail known to man, to then find myself arriving unannounced at millionaire man's house, barely able to see or stand, with vomit all down the front of my dress, in my hair and on my chin, to then pass out almost the second he opened the door, to wake up as my taxi pulls into my hotel, finding myself dressed in a man's t-shirt and shorts with vomit-soaked dress in a plastic bag on the seat beside me.
At least I've never done that.
But then again, neither have I ever done what happened next.
Readers, she married him!
At 9:10 AM,
zuzula said…
nooooooo! that is truly amazing! do you know the person?
an 'at least i have never' with a happy ending. i've never seen one of those before :)
At 11:48 AM,
She de la Handbag said…
You know what, no matter how many times I hear this story it still makes me laugh ... or it would if it ever happened to you, which obviously it didn't.
Its also the last time I ever double date with you, the 30 second wonder and a pregnant lady ... h'actually I probably got the better deal there;)
Also loving TTs story - theres hope for all us lushes:)
At 1:19 PM,
Tiny Tones said…
Swear to god every word is true. She was in my typist's year at school. Last time typist saw her she was wearing three of the biggest diamonds around her neck the world has ever known. His family have never warmed to her but she couldn't care less. Would you?
At 4:53 AM,
zuzula said…
that is AMAZING. Note to self: meet more rich people!
At 11:05 AM,
zuzula said…
seriously. i was stunned. and not in a good way.
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