at least i have never tried to crap on my girlfriend's parents' heads

At least I have never... gone to a party with my (then) girlfriend where we both get really rather mashed up. Then we go back to her parents house to sleep as it's nearby and they knew me quite well anyway.

But... I wake up in the wee hours desparate for the toilet. Slightly confused, I head for what looks like a bathroom but is in fact just a shower room - no WC within. My girlfriend wakes up to find me squatting over the bathroom scales. She tries to gently convince me that I'm not actually anywhere near the toilet but I'm not having it. Eventually she manages to lead me out of the shower room towards the toilet, passing the (open) door to her parents bedroom, where they are both sleeping, en route. At that point I decide that their room must be the toilet and try to push past her, all 6ft 4 and 16 stone of me. Girlfriend is hanging on to the doorframe with her fingernails trying not to let me past. Eventually she manages to throw me down the corridor into the bathroom which actually does have a toilet... where I immediately lock the door and take a shit in the kitty litter on the floor.

God, I've dated some idiots in my time.

car wash

(I have a life long phobia of car washes. This story made me weep)

At least I have never...

Been about to go through the carwash having pressed the button etc, when suddenly I remember that I've forgotten to remove the aerial. Thinking I've got time, I jump out to remove the offending erection... only for the giant rollers to start whirring, pinning me flat against my car in a mire of foam and water as they pound their way down the sides of the car.

And then had to go on to my parents house, soaking wet and picking bubbles out of my hair along the way.